Dear Axton,
Today you seem to have gone from still being a “little boy” to suddenly being a boy. Not even a “big boy” because that sounds too childish for you. It’s been five beautiful years of watching you grow and change and develop your personality.
The other day you were listening to an audio book in the car with your headsets on. I couldn’t hear what you were listening to, but I could see the facial expressions you were making. You were listening so hard, and completely absorbed in the world of your book. It brought me so much happiness to see you enjoying something that I, too, love so dearly. I hope you continue to make reading a large part of your life and that you allow it to take you places you would otherwise never travel, to people you would otherwise never meet. I hope you allow it to change you, soften you, and push you to greater lengths.
As you blew the candles out on your cake, we told you to make a wish. You thought for a second, and then you turned to dad and you said, “But I don’t know what to wish for.” Dad said, “Then just wish for happiness.” You were satisfied with that answer, and so you said okay and promptly blew your candles out. I’ve been thinking about that a lot – that my sweet boy didn’t have a toy or gadget on his mind as he used up his once-a-year birthday wish. He simply wished to be happy – something all of us want in life – and I knew you would be one to achieve that wish. I hope I provide the right type of environment and home for you to learn how to be happy all on your own. To find happiness within yourself, and then to be brave enough to share that happiness with others.
I feel you have the best traits of both your father and I. You’re kind, outgoing, friendly, sensitive, and eager to learn and please. These qualities will not always be what the world wants of you. Sometimes your kindness will be taken advantage of, and your desire to make and be a friend won’t be reciprocated. Sometimes your feelings will get hurt and you’ll want to harden your shell. But I know from experience, that that will never be worth it – and that will never be what your Heavenly Father would want for you. For those qualities are divinely given to you; they’re gifts of the spirit that, when used for good, will get you much farther than listening to the world’s standards could ever provide.
We were in the middle of taking these pictures when Mirabelle started to cry. You heard her from the top of the hill and went sprinting over to her. “No, no no! Don’t cry. Do you just need to be bundled up some more?” You wrapped her blanket around her and comforted her. You’ve been like that with her since the day she was born, and I already can see the special bond that you two will share. What a lucky little girl she is to have such an attentive and gentle big brother. I knew there was a reason she came last. You will be such a tender father, Axton! I treasure that about your own father, and was a huge factor in my decision to marry him. Never lose your tenderness.
Turning five for most little boys means they will soon be starting school. But you and I have decided together to do things a bit differently. You won’t be going to kindergarten this year as others your age will be – instead, we’ll be doing school our own way. I explained the advantages of both options, and together we came to this conclusion: We’re just not done having fun together yet. So why change things now? I am so honored and excited to be able to watch and help you learn. What a joy you are to teach! You crave knowledge and grasp new ideas easily. You work well with numbers, are patient with books, and are creative. Our schooling journey is at its very beginnings, and I can’t wait to see where it takes you.
I’m so grateful that we celebrate birth days, that I get the chance to reflect on your life and how lucky I am that your life impacts mine so deeply. You made me a mama. Yours was the first fresh baby’s hand I’ve held, the first mouth I’ve fed, the first body I’ve embraced in such a delicate way, the first life to come from me. To say you’ve changed my life is an understatement. You’ve changed my very being, you’ve altered my soul, you’ve defined my destiny.
I love you with all my heart. I love you with even more than that – Every day I grasp beyond my own abilities, I reach higher and beg for more just to love you harder and better than I have the capacity for in my mortal body.
Love,
Mama
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