I’ve hesitated sharing this with even my closest friends until now. In fact, I just told one of my best friend in Maryland about it two days ago. I wanted her to know I wasn’t ignoring her when I didn’t return her texts. I felt bad then, for not talking to her about it sooner. I’ve not told many people for several reasons, and all of them stem from one thing: Fear.
Fear of leaving my kids for 11 days.
Fear of being judged for leaving my kids for 11 days.
Fear of making others feel as if I were rubbing it in or showing off.
Fear of traveling alone.
Fear of meeting new people, especially amazing photographers.
Fear that I didn’t belong with this group of amazing photographers.
Fear that I didn’t desrve this.
But it’s here now, and I can’t deny or hide my excitement any longer, and I’m holding onto that excitement to push beyond those fears.
I’m going to New Zealand with the Great Photo Escape, led by an international wedding photographer.
I’m actually currently sitting at the Fiji Airport, typing this on a small stool, my body already just a bit sore from the 4.5 bus ride from Rexburg to Salt Lake City, the quick flight from SLC to LAX, and then the 11-hour overnight flight from LAX to Fiji. Just one more flight to go until we are at our destination!
Almost a year ago now is when I first learned about this photo travel adventure from Caitlin. I instantly new I wanted to go, and even though those fears started crowding my head from the moment I decided I wanted it, still I waited with eager fingertips, ready to type in my credit card the moment registration went live. …But it wasn’t meant to be. Registration had already closed by the time I clicked “Submit.” That’s how fast it went.
6 months later, and Caitlin posts that there is an opening in the group, and my heart starts to pound in its chest once more. This time I kneel down, and openly and humbly ask God what His will is for me concerning this trip.
His answer? It didn’t matter.
It didn’t matter if I left the kids for almost 2 weeks – I mean, of course it matters, but in the end, they would miss me, but they would be fine.
Ultimately, I felt He was leaving it up to me.
And I chose yes.
I chose being scared and doing it anyway.
I chose adventure.
I chose following my passion.
I go through cycles every hour, on the hour, of being excited and proud of my decision, to being completely guilt-ridden and just wanting to go back home and squeeze them tight and apologize for ever leaving them, for ever choosing something over them. I cried when I got on the bus and watched Axton and my mom wave at that bus until we were out of sight.
But I’m here, and I also don’t want to get caught in a lie that makes me (moms in general) feel guilty for wanting something outside of my kids. Does that make me a bad mom? Does that mean I love the lure of travel more than I love them? I can’t believe that it does. I hope instead that my decision teaches my boys that their mom – women! – are adventurers, dream-followers, and go-getters. I hope instead that they learn that I love them with all my heart, and I miss them when they are not in my life, but sometimes I need to refresh and recharge. I hope they learn to appreciate traveling, and grow a desire to travel throughout their own lives. I hope they learn from other cultures and other lands that the world is big and glorious and God created and loves us all.
I still don’t know where I stand on the “But do I deserve this?” question.
Honestly, I probaly don’t deserve any of the blessings the Lord has given me, but I strive every day to live worthy of them. I will use this opportunity to be an instrument in His hands in whatever way He needs me to, because that is all I can give back. That is all I have.
I hope you follow my adventures! I hope you choose yes. I hope you choose being scared and doing it anyway. I hope you choose something for yourself, even if it’s something on a much smaller scale 🙂 Because yes, you do deserve it.
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