Last year I dedicated my Mother’s Day post to all women, no matter our differences, and the impact they have on our lives. I highlighted the many talented Moms I’ve had the honor of photographing in the past few years, and I of course touched ever so briefly on the wonderful woman that raised me (and who continues to raise me, year after year!). At the end of the post, I thanked my children (at the time we were still waiting for the appearance of Rhenner, who was quite content to hang out in my belly for a much longer time than I would have preferred) for making me a mother.

This year, I have to do something a little bit different. While I still love and respect all mothers… I have to share my personal story and I have to share my heart.

I know we all have good days and bad days, sometimes even hard months and easy months, but I’m only just now realizing…..sometimes we have hard years. And for me, this past year has been the toughest of my life. Right now, so many things are causing me to stop and think about how my life has changed since last May. The one-year-anniversary of buying our first home a few weeks ago. Today is Mother’s Day but it is also the day that was Axton’s due date. A week from today is Axton’s third birthday. And 3 weeks after that my second son will turn one. I have all these monumental dates metaphorically circling around in my brain and I’m trying to process them all and give meaning to them all. They all are important to me and it feels heavy to have them all collide into one short time period. I think it’s fitting that I share my heart on Mother’s Day, and I apologize if my non-traditional Mother’s day post offends anyone.

 

I honestly don’t know what we were thinking buying this house last May! I was completely pregnant. We had a crazy two-year-old, and it was hot. And, did I mention, I was about to have a baby any day!! My favorite part about our Buying The House Story, is the fact that I didn’t even see the house for myself before Adam put an offer on it! I was actually visiting my dad in Minnesota when I received a call from Adam saying he wanted to look at a house. He asked me right then for my permission to put an offer on the house if he ended up liking it! I was a caught a little off-guard, as we weren’t exactly actively looking to buy at the time, but I trust Adam and I trust his judgment so I said sure. We had looked at houses for a few months previously and had learned quickly that if we liked something, we couldn’t wait. I figured if Adam liked it enough, then why not?

Well…..then I get the call saying that he loved the house and he put an offer on it! A few days later, guess what? They accepted our counter-offer. I was buying a home I had never stepped foot in before. And, honestly, that ended up being the best possible thing that could have happened! Because I came home from Minnesota and the first thing I thought when I stepped through the doorway of my soon-to-be-home was,

If I had seen the home myself, I would have told Adam NO WAY.

The house was small. It reeked of smoke. The backyard, while large, was a complete over-grown forest. Sure, the front and back porches were cute at one point, but now? Now they were falling apart.It all just looked like so much work. In between sighs I could see twinkles of potential, sure, but….

Let’s not forget: I was ready. to. pop.

The next few months were some of the most stressful times of our marriage. Buying a home for the first time is stressful for anyone, I’m sure. Making sure we have all the documentation we need, signing all the papers, taking a Home Ownership class, double-checking our budget to make sure we can actually afford this home plus all the repairs it will need, and scheduling appointments with all the right people! We plowed through and soon enough the keys were in our hands.

But that stress? That was only the beginning. Then came Adam spending every single night after work at the new house while Axton and I stayed at our apartment, only seeing Dad to bring him dinner. Adam worked night after night, priming the walls to help remove the smoke odor, ripping out carpet and installing new hardwood floors, knocking out a tiny closet in the master bedroom, sanding off the popcorn ceilings.

Time got away from us too fast and before we knew it, we only had a week before move-in day. Our goals quickly changed from Get It All Done to Get Enough Done. Adam barely finished the flooring in the living room and the tiny guest bedroom in time for us to move. We stacked boxes almost ceiling-high in the only room in the house with finished flooring and empty space: The Living Room. For a few weeks, we lived with a tiny hallway from the door to the kitchen, dodging boxes stuffed with all of our belongings. We slept in a tiny bedroom with only enough room for our bed, a bassinet, and the door to open.

Slowly, inch by inch, more flooring was finished and a box was unpacked. Then our bedroom was finally painted and flooring put in so we could move out of the Office and into our master bedroom. Finally we could start to breathe again! Finally our home was at least comfortable and liveable. Oh, and sometime between all of this, I had a baby. 

And man, was he such a difficult baby. His constant newborn screams still haunt me. I literally started to go crazy – I would hear him when he wasn’t there, crying and screaming, and I would have panic attacks thinking I wouldn’t know what to do to comfort him (because I didn’t! I never did!) I would purposely plan things to do right when I knew Rhenner was about to get tired so that Adam could deal with him. I couldn’t handle his screaming. I experienced anxiety and fear the moment I realized I would be left alone with both boys again. It broke me down and I had to start over as a mom. I had to shut down, turn myself off, and completely rebuild myself from the ground up.

Moving to a new house also meant a new ward. This means I had to start all over again with making friends and trying to fit in. But, having had a baby two weeks after moving into the new ward, I didn’t have time, energy, or the ability to really socialize with anyone. A lot of my Sundays were spent outside with Rhenner, who screamed so much during church I couldn’t keep him inside the building. One Sunday Adam took Rhenner from me so I could attend Relief Society and I found him out in the car, the door closed, and Rhenner wailing in his lap while Adam just sat and held him. I really struggled to find my place in the new ward and wondered if I was wanted or even noticed, or if I was just a spectacle to watch as I wrangled my screaming baby in and out of Sunday school each week.

Winter came and my depression grew deeper. We could not figure out why Rhenner was constantly congested, even when he wasn’t “sick.” I couldn’t take him anywhere because other moms would look at his runny nose and comment, and I would feel judged for putting other kids at risk (There are only so many ways to say, “I promise he’s not sick, we’re trying to get this figured out!” and only so many times you can take that look that says, “Sure…that’s what they all say”). So we secluded ourselves at home, stared out the window while sitting on our couch, and we tried to survive the long months and cold days. Rhenner would get so congested that I spent about half of my nights for the first six months of his life, holding him while sitting up on the couch. It was the only way he could breathe well enough to sleep.
I brought Rhenner in to countless doctors, only to be told to try saline nasal drops, it was just a virus, it would clear up, here’s an anti-biotic. I cut out all dairy from my diet. I got him tested for allergies.

His first hearing test was complete chaos. I was so sure it would be fast, easy Pass. Axton was a brat, whining and crying, Rhenner was stubborn and refused to sleep or even nurse. I was humiliated and stunned when I was told he was failing the tests. I broke down the moment I got out into the car. When I tried talking to Adam, I couldn’t even get my voice under control to tell him one sentence. I was a complete mess. He ended up telling me to call him back when I was at home and not driving because he was worried about my safety. I texted my mom and told her what had happened but said, “Don’t call me. I can’t talk about it right now. I need to get myself under control first.”

By the time Rhenner failed his second hearing test, I was a lot more mentally prepared. We then underwent a sedated ABR test, which of course gave me even more anxiety because I knew how difficult Rhenner could be sometimes and it was vital that he fall asleep for the test. Things actually went smoothly and we were able to determine he has fluid in his ears and has mild hearing loss. We are hoping the fluid is connected to his congestion and if we can take care of that, we can also take care of the hearing loss. I’m happy to find answers and a direction to go in, but the stress of figuring it all out thus far has been frustrating, lonely, confusing. I hate it when no one believes me and no doctors will help me when I say, This is not normal. Help me figure this out.

In the middle of this challenging time, our church boundaries got re-organized and we were moved to yet another church building/ward for the fourth time in four years. In addition to meeting at a new church, we were also asked to serve in different callings. Adam would be the 2nd counselor to the bishop, a role that requires a lot of time away from his family and requires him to provide a lot of emotional and spiritual support in different ways. I was also asked to serve in the Stake Young Women presidency as their secretary. This is another calling that requires a lot of time for meetings, planning, sending emails, getting to know the girls, traveling to different church buildings to meet all of the girls and their leaders, and preparing for a week-long Girls Camp. I couldn’t even fathom how we were going to work out the logistics of it all, between juggling our time and the kids, not to mention the additional stress it would bring.

It was all so much. There were days of many tears. Days I whispered and begged, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” No one heard me, alone in the dark. Tired and bored and stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted.

But we made it to May. And I can see a light growing brighter and I can feel my shoulders getting lighter. I can see warm days of playing outside, and summer nights around the fire.

Spring has been such a blessing.
Spring has brought hope.

Spring has reminded me that we have a home that is our own. With a yard that my kids run around like crazy in. That my dog can play fetch on. It’s far from finished and it is small but it is ours and I can tell you now that we love it. It is ours.

Spring has reminded me that there was a reason – lots of wonderful reasons! – why Rhenner came to our family and why he brought the challenges with him that he did. Here we are, a year later, with an almost-one-year old who is so much fun and so independent and who already loves Axton so much. Being his advocate has made me stronger, less self-conscious, less concerned about worldly opinions of me and more genuinely invested in his well-being. His fight has made me a fighter.

Spring, and sweet Axton’s birthday just around the corner, has reminded me the importance of being innocent. Of asking questions in humility, being curious, being authentic, being excited.

Here I am, a year later, celebrating Mother’s Day by telling myself, I can do hard things. I do hard things every day, and I did a lot of hard things this past year.

This Mother’s Day I want to celebrate the challenges I’ve overcome, the trials I’ve faced, and the fact that they’ve made me a better person. I also want to celebrate the fact that my drive and determination to be my children’s mother, and to be intentional at mothering, has come from none other than my own divine mom.

I’ve seen her weather storms and heartaches that my nightmares are made of. I’ll say that again: My own mother has pushed through one of my biggest fears in this life. I’ve seen her be broken, time and time again, and yet she pushes on. And yet she still loves with a heart of gold, knowing how vulnerable it makes her to more heartache. And when times get tough for me, I think of her. On the surface, I may be annoyed and roll my eyes when I hear her voice telling me to be optimistic, count my blessings, tell me others have it worse. But in my heart I’m a thousand times over grateful for her positive attitude. I love and admire her deeply and I know, without a doubt, that her fierce and unconditional love will carry her straight to the Lord Himself. Any mistakes and natural human errors made on her part will be washed over in love, For the Lord “seeth not as man seeth…but the Lord looketh on the heart.” When my mother stands before her Maker, and He looks into her heart, He will recognize His own love and say gently, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

 

I love mother’s day. I love being a mother. I love being a woman and I love that I’ve been given the absolute trial of bearing children. I love that I’m in this phase of life right now, even though I don’t love it every day. I’m grateful for hard years. I believe that: To the extent that we feel sorrow, we will one day be met with that amount of joy…and then beyond. No matter the depths of our pain, the Lord always over-compensates in His own time. I like to remind myself that the deeper my valleys of pain, the greater my mountains of joy will be in my future.

Here’s to motherhood.