This time around, I knew it had to be different. I knew this time, I had to wait. I had to wait until I felt that ache, the desire, the hope in me that said maybe, just maybe, I could do this again. 

There were definitely times when I didn’t know if I ever would want to get pregnant again! When Rhenner turned 16 months old and I realized that, at this point with Axton, I was already pregnant again, I was filled with so much relief that I wasn’t pregnant. That I would never again have to deal with a newborn and a 24 month old at the same time. When Rhenner turned 17 months old and I wasn’t pregnant, the same relief filled me. I don’t have to do that again. And every month after that, I found myself feeling lighter and happier, so overjoyed that I didn’t “have” to be pregnant, that I didn’t “have” to have a certain age gap.

With Rhenner, I jumped in because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I jumped in before I was ready because I felt God’s hand nudging me in that direction. I was scared, I fought it, but eventually I knew it was what our family needed. When I saw the positive pregnancy test, I was not filled with excitement. I was filled with a sense of complete inadequacy and worry that I couldn’t do this. I’ll forever be grateful I listened to the promptings I received, instead of living in my fear. I’ll forever be grateful I chose Rhenner. But I knew I couldn’t do that again. I knew the next time around, it had to come from my heart. I had to be excited when I saw those two pink lines.

So, I waited. I enjoyed those blessed months after he turned 15 months that meant I wouldn’t have to do the two year gap again. But then one day, something strange happened. I was outside with the boys and I said, looking at each of them, and counting them: “One…two…wait, where’s the other one?” and my heart skipped a beat in the same way it would if Rhenner or Axton himself had gone missing. It was the completely real fear that someone was missing and I had lost them. It was frightful for one second, and then it passed when I realized I didn’t have anyone else to be looking for right then.

It happened again, one more time a few weeks later, and this time I told Adam about it. “Uh-oh,” was all he said.

And then the dreams began. I hesitate to admit it, because I know how likely it is that I will get another boy, but in my dreams it’s always been her. It’s always been a girl. The dreams come frequent and there’s only been one time a name was mentioned. Adam has since had a dream about her, and so has my mom.

…..Still more signs started to show up. I would see pregnant women in the store and suddenly – how strange! – I would begin to reminisce on what it felt like to have a baby move in you (not a 39-week-baby because those things are huge and not as fun to carry around, but you know…like, a 24-week baby that isn’t painful yet 🙂 ) I was starting to get little twinges of….desire.

I tried to play analytical. I tried to measure every possible timeline – “Well, if it happens now, then I’m cutting short my fall sessions.”
“It can’t happen 8 months from now, I’ve got a wedding booked then!”

I made the “mistake” of telling my mom that’d we’d been talking about it, and I told her my issues with timing. She, of course, told me to give that up and let the Lord take over. To stop trying to plan my own schedule and to just trust. I knew she was right, but still I waited just a little bit longer.

And then, it just happened. (Well, not it ). No, the wanting and the readiness. It just came over me and I fully gave into it. It was exactly what I had been waiting for.

6 weeks later, we were pregnant.

At only 10 weeks in, it’s strange to write this post. 6 weeks ago, when we found out, I was so ecstatic and buzzed with disbelief but also just so happy that I felt happy about it!!  —  But I was also holding onto my appetite with clenched fists and trying desperately to enjoy my last few days of a normal eating schedule. Now here I am, dry-heaving over the kitchen sink and clutching my throat down the hallway, or slumped on the couch because lying down makes it worse, and chatting to myself “Ten weeks. Ten weeks. I’m ten weeks. That means only five more weeks of this. I can do five more weeks….right?”

Every day I chant to myself how far along I am. It’s for two reasons, really. One, so I don’t get sucked into the depression that comes with feeling sick every day for the past 5 weeks straight  – to remind myself that it will pass, and one day I’ll be in the second trimester and I’ll feel slightly more normal. It’s also to remind myself that this is actually happening. That this baby is coming – that its alive and well and beating its heart inside me. And that I was ready and waiting for it.

….I know so many others wait, too.

This pregnancy I’ve been so sensitive, so keyed in on how fortunate I am to be able to carry a baby. In the past few years I have seen friends suffer, truly suffer, in ways that I have never experienced. Some have lost babies they once held in their arms. Some have lost babies they’ve only carried in their womb, and won’t get to hold in this life. And still others haven’t even made it that far. Others don’t know why they aren’t pregnant yet, and if they ever do get pregnant, if it will stay that way. Some can get pregnant, and want to be pregnant, but life’s timing isn’t right for them right now.

These thoughts were on my mind as I read “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. She is a shame and vulnerability researcher (and her book is much more uplifting than that sounds!) and there is a section in the book that talks about how we can show more compassion for people who are suffering. “The answer is always the same: Don’t shrink away from the joy of your child because I’ve lost mine. Don’t take what you have for granted – celebrate it. Don’t apologize for what you have. Be grateful for it and share your gratitude with others. Are your parents healthy? Be thrilled. Let them know how much they mean to you. When you honor what you have, you’re honoring what I’ve lost.”
So today, I honor what I have. I don’t know why these wonderful women (and couples!) in my life have these trials. I don’t know why I don’t also have those particular trials, but I want them to know that I know I’m lucky. I know I’m lucky in this, and I don’t take it lightly, or take it for granted. I show my gratitude for this blessing, and, at the same time, I reach my hand out to them in love, empathy, and friendship.