It really is funny how true it is – every pregnancy is different. Each time I’ve gotten pregnant, I’ve been in completely different places of life: emotionally, physically, spiritually. I’ve brought my experiences up to that point with me and it’s changed the way I’ve reacted to the news, to the way I carry myself while pregnant, the way I tell people. My symptoms are different, of course too. In preparation for this post, I reread some thoughts I had while pregnant with Rhenner – my reaction to finding out and also our reaction to the gender reveal. I can tell the difference in my writing, that I was much happier with being pregnant by the time we found out he was a boy. It’s refreshing to compare how I feel about this pregnancy versus how I felt about the last one, to know that I am definitely happier and more excited, in general.

But other thoughts have been different, too.

For one thing, when I first found out, I wanted to announce it right away. I wanted to do away with the tradition of not telling people until the “safe” 12 weeks had hit. In my mind, I knew that even if I did miscarry, I would probably be public with that news, as well, since I generally find blogging about emotional, life-changing topics such as that to be therapeutic and healing. I was also sensitive to the fact that 12 weeks didn’t mean all that much – I have witnessed far too many people losing babies at all stages of life, both in the womb and out, to know that the possibility of death was still prevalent at 15 weeks, 1 week old, or 5 years old. There is no “safe” time in life – babies die at any point. I also was a lot more sensitive to how I announced, knowing so many people who have suffered from loss and infertility.

I’m not sure if I’m actually sicker this time around, but it really feels like I am. I do think I’m more nauseous than I was when I was pregnant with Axton. I remember only feeling sick in the mornings with Axton, whereas with this one, I feel my “best” in the morning, and I feel worse with each passing hour and each meal I shove into me. I have no real cravings – I only have things that are somewhat safe to eat. Like eggs. If I eat something other than two fried eggs for breakfast, there is going to be problems. Michelle and Logan can attest to my obsession with McDonald’s egg burritos – good thing they serve breakfast all day now. Taco Bell is generally a safe bet, too. One time we went, I bought 5 extra bean burritos (no onions, extra red sauce) so that I could put the remaining 4 in the freezer to eat whenever I wanted. That worked well. “Safe” items aren’t a guarantee, though; I’ve heaved plenty of times from burritos and eggs, too. I also am super disappointed that I am 15 weeks along and still not feeling much improvement. I’ve had a lot of people respond to that with, “I was sick my whole pregnancy,” and I lose a day off my life every time I hear that. That was dramatic, I just hate the thought of continuing to feel like this for 6 more months. However, I have had the thought that this may be the Lord’s way of gearing me up for it, or at least making it so I am REALLY happy to have that baby out of me.

This pregnancy is also the most self-conscious I have ever felt about being pregnant. Like, not that I’m not happy, but that I want to keep that happiness to myself. Or like I have to down play it in public. I couldn’t figure out where these feelings were coming from until I chatted about it with a few friends. I think a few things are coming into play, here – One, I am putting up a protective shield in preparation for the looks/comments about being “so big” for how far long I am, or people simply assuming I am much closer to my due date than I really am. I feel like I’ve been sucking it in since I was 9 weeks pregnant, and I get really embarrassed when people say, “Oh look! You are starting to get a cute little bump!” Even when these  comments are said lovingly and genuinely, it makes me want to go put a baggy all-black shirt on and suck it in even more. I used to be okay with using the excuse “Well it’s my third one so of course I’m going to start showing more.” Then I met a tiny-baby-belly-bump woman at the park who was also on her third, due 6 weeks before me, and was wayyyy smaller than I was so I was once again defeated.

I also think I am getting self-conscious about going out in public with my pregnant belly and my two kids in tow. I know I make up the looks and the stares and the comments in my head but I can’t help but wonder about what some people might be thinking when they see me with the two crazy kids I have, and know that I was willing to add another one to the mix (“She can’t even control the two she does have!”)

One positive difference between this pregnancy and the last, is that I no longer worry about my other kids. I remember feeling scared that Axton would be lonely when the baby came. I think that is a pretty common feeling for parents having their second child, but this time around I know they will have each other! I also have seen the way Adam has stepped up to his role as a father, so completely and selflessly, that I do not worry about the boys when the baby comes. He was a great dad with Just Axton, but he’s become quite fearless after having Rhenner!  They will be well taken care of when I’m preoccupied with a newborn, that I don’t worry at all.

It really has been so interesting to see how this pregnancy has been so different. No, I do not have ANY guesses on the gender. We would of course love a little girl, but we know it’s easy to love little boys, too 🙂 I’m not going to even pretend to have a prediction one way or the other; I’ll be happy no matter what (if I’m being completely honest, I will be MORE shocked if it’s a girl – but in my head I know I’ve got a 50/50 chance either way! No sense in guessing!) I do think we are going to find out the gender a little bit early, and bring the boys with us to an outside ultrasound place. I feel like knowing the gender will give me the bit of encouragement I need right now. The fact that this nausea is still so strong and so often has been really starting to wear on me. Plus, I can already feel other symptoms starting to creep up on top of the not-fun nausea, like hip pain, heartburn, and back pain.

The other day I was at a styled shoot photographing some lovely models and they all said, “I just want to take a picture of you with your bump, doing your thing and in your element!” and I shied away from the camera. I said, Oh you don’t want to do that. And I kind of regretted making a big deal about it. It made me feel sad that I wasn’t comfortable being photographed. Since then, I’ve looked through the images that Michelle and Logan took of Adam and I for our anniversary session (which I’ll share soonish!) and I keep coming back to the ones she took that were “maternity” style. I told her I didn’t want this session to be about the bump, but at the end she asked if we should take just a few with the bump and I agreed. They make me feel beautiful in my pregnant-ness, and remind me that this is a special time of life that I need to cherish (as much as I can) – to look for the good parts about it, embrace them, and have a positive attitude about the not-so-good parts. Here’s to hoping the second trimester is better than the first!