Two days ago I stood behind Adam as he sat on a chair in the kitchen. I methodically raked the buzzer in neat rows up the back and side of his head, his long hair with just barely the beginning of a curl to it fell on the floor around us and stuck to the bottom of my feet. We were quiet, as we are with his haircuts now, and I smiled as I thought about the haircuts I’ve given him in the past – particularly the earlier ones. They involved Adam watching through the mirror, dictating and directing, and me assuring him I could this without his input thank-you-very-much.

Tonight, though, when I asked if he wanted me to leave his sideburns for him to cut on his own – something he once used to request – he said no, and the silence fell again. If it’s not obvious, it was one of those comfortable silences, the droning of the buzzer luring us into our own minds, as we were still connected by the shared work of a full head of hair.

I thought to myself, “I’d never cut anyone’s hair before Adam’s. He was right to be a bit nervous in the beginning….I’m glad those days are over. Our haircuts are much more peaceful now.”

He taught me how to cut hair, and I couldn’t help but think about all the other things he’s taught me how to do in the past 7 years of knowing him.

Trivial things like starting a lighter, basic coding on a website, the ins and outs of Photoshop, how to (theoretically) surf. Put the keys back on the key holder as soon as you walk through the front door.

Important things like – Do something when you think about doing it, instead of waiting until later (because I’ll inevitably forget).

And then he’s taught me, without even realizing it – the most important kinds of things of all. Things about love. Things about sacrifice, selflessness, maturing, growth, perseverance, and courage.

Things like caring about the fact that someone is telling me something important to them, even if I don’t care about the topic at hand.

I think the hardest lesson of all, the one I’m constantly trying to get better at – is an adjustment to the Golden Rule. Sure, “Treat others the way you want to be treated” – it’s a great start. But for Adam, the way I want to be treated is not always the way he wants to be treated.

Treat others the way they want to be treated.

That’s more like it.

Every single year I do the same thing, and I’m hoping this year is the last year I make the same mistake 🙂 Every year I ask Adam what he wants to do for his birthday, and every year I get similar answers: eat cake, hang out with you, chill with the family, maybe go out for dinner.

And every year I think, “Well that’s just not enough! If that’s all I do for Adam, how will he ever feel loved? Birthdays are important, and I’ve got to make sure Adam feels important!”

Then I proceed to make extravagant plans for him, knowing full well he doesn’t like surprises. “Who doesn’t like surprises!??! I LOVE surprises!” After he gets home and I tell him I have something sneaky up my sleeve, then we get mad at each other – me, because he’s not recognizing the hard work I put into planning something for him, and him because I didn’t listen to him in the first place! Then we’re both grumpy on Adam’s birthday (sounds like Thanksgiving all over again). This year I started to do the same thing, once again! On the day of his birthday I was scrambling through Groupon, looking for this EPIC date night. I had a sitter lined up, and I was getting snazzy.

When he walked through that door, the first thing he said was, “Oh boy. That was a long day. I’m tired.”

My grumpiness spiked immediately. “He better not be tired, I’ve got a busy evening planned for him!” I thought. When Axton asked him when we could have his cake, I interrupted Adam before he could say “Tonight!”
“Um, actually, not tonight….I have a sitter!” I tried to lovingly approach the topic, hoping my excitement would translate so well that he would become excited, too. But the more I talked to him, the more I realized: he really was tired – but more than that, he really had been looking forward to an evening of just eating cake and being with his kids and wife.

I tried so hard not to be disappointed. So, so hard….In the end, we compromised. We only did Part 1 of Epic Birthday Date Night, and saved Part 2 for another time. This meant I was able to surprise him with a date night out (to the Melting Pot! So fun!), and we were still able to be back in time to enjoy the rest of the evening eating cake and cuddling on the couch.

The point of that long story was, I’m still learning. I’m learning from marriage and from Adam that unselfishly loving someone means loving them the way they need to be loved, even if that’s not necessarily the way you want to show them you love them. the way I want to show Adam I love him is actually, in a sense, selfish. It’s the way I like to run my life: busy, new, exciting, a grand adventure. When I search my heart, I know that’s not the way Adam likes to run his life. While he does like adventures, he needs time to process and prepare for them (read: no surprises). today, especially, I want Adam to know we love him for HIM, and not just through my own selfish  lenses.

I met Adam exactly one week after he turned 23, and today he’s turning thirty!!! It’s almost unbelievable – this is the first picture we ever took together, about 3 weeks after we met.

When Robyn clicked the shutter on this moment, freezing time – I never could have imagined all the wonderful things Adam would bring into my life in the coming seven years. All the many – thousands! – of moments I’ve captured, both with a camera and not. Creating – and then fighting for, day  in and day out – this life we share – it’s not only the best gift I’ve ever received, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given.