I recently had a friend send me a message and tell me that she is expecting her second boy, and wanted to know what life was like with two boys. She told me she really wanted them to be inseparable and the best of buds. I think that’s what any mom would want for her kids, right? I thought writing about life as a mom of BROTHERS was such a fabulous idea because having two boys right in a row is a dream and a love I didn’t know I had inside of me.

 

When I was pregnant with Rhenner, I remember distinctly feeling like that pregnancy was different. And I assumed that meant that I was having a girl. I was completely convinced it was going to be a girl, and I really didn’t give much thought to what if it’s another boy? 

Well, when the time came for my 20 week ultrasound, we thought it would be fun to find out the gender of our second baby while we were visiting with family in Hawaii. As we all waited in the room for the technician to come in, I took a poll.

“So what do you think we’re having?”

Girl, girl, girl, girl. Michael, my step dad, was the only one to say boy.

“I think it’s a girl, too.” I said out loud to our parents and Adam. But a tiny voice in the back of my head said quietly, “Don’t forget…it could be a boy.” But I didn’t believe it for too long.

The ultrasound technician came in and told me to lie down on my back. I did so and pulled up my shirt. The tech pushed her wand against my belly and the hot gel, and swung it over my skin. She showed us his back and spine and head….and then she moved it and I caught a glimpse of something. I saw that. I thought, yanking my head over to the technician.

“You might already know what it is….” she said with a smile. Then she brought two little legs into view, and sitting just between them was…..

“IT’S A BOY????” I shouted, tears immediately springing to my eyes. I remember the feeling of my hand slapping over my mouth, a spontaneous action sprung from so much shock.
I surprised myself with how much emotion I felt. “I wanted another boy so bad,” I choked out, not knowing just how much I had wanted it until then.

And ever since that moment, little Rhenner has been exactly what I have always wanted…and yet never knew I needed.

I have a firm belief – no, wait, knowledge – that our children come to us in the order they do for a reason. I KNOW that Axton came to me first because I needed him first. Because Adam needed him first. And especially because Rhenner needed him first. Axton is the lover in our family, the sensitive soul that has a tendency to over-kiss and over-hug. During my pregnancy with Rhenner, we got a baby doll for Axton, so he could understand better what was coming. He loved that baby doll and I just knew he was going to love being an older brother. When we brought Rhenner home for the first time, he went and got his own baby to show everyone.

Axton is always forcing his love on Rhenner, and Rhenner is always pushing him away. But, again, I know that Axton, being the big brother, and being loving and gentle is setting an incredible example to Rhenner, who is naturally a bit rougher. I’m grateful he softens Rhenner, that he influences Rhenner to be kind and teaches him that cuddles are good and that showing affection is important!

I love that right now, everything Axton does and loves, Rhenner assumes he has to do and love, too. It makes it easier for me! I love that they both love playing outside, getting dirty, playing with cars, trucks, anything with an engine. I love that Axton teaches Rhenner how to make the best sound affects, how to play hide and seek and tickle each other when we find the hider. I love that having Rhenner means Axton is learning to share – his toys, his room, his mom, his heart. I love that Rhenner having an older brother means he came into a family who had a bit more experience on our hands, because we definitely needed that experience for him. I would have been even worse off than I already was if Rhenner had come to me as my first child!

I love that this means they will adventure together. I imagine years of exploring, imagining, and growing together. Years of sharing a room, clothes, toys, first crushes and first cars. I love that they will go to seminary and school together. I’m getting a small taste of that right now, as Rhenner is in nursery with Axton for one last month before Axton moves up to primary.

Of course they fight. Of course they don’t usually share, or make it easier for me. But no two kids really would be “easy.” Yes, there are days where I can’t walk away from them for more than two seconds before I hear someone screaming and crying. More days than not, in fact. But do you want to know what does always happen? This scenario:

I was playing a game with Axton while Rhenner was napping. Both him and I were loving our one-on-one time, and generally just having a good old time. Then I hear Rhenner’s cry from the other room, and I got a little sad. I said, “Axton I’m sorry. We will have to put this game away  now. Rhenner is awake and we will need to do something that he can do with us.” I got up and went and grabbed Rhenner from the crib. I assumed I would come back to a grumpy Axton, upset that Rhenner had woken up and ruined our fun time together. Instead of finding a sad face, though, I came down the hallway and saw Axton’s face light up with pure joy at seeing Rhenner.

“Hi Buddy! How was your nap? We missed you!” he told him as he forcefully kissed Rhenner’s head and squeezed him into a too-tight hug. And that happens every day. No matter what activity we have to stop doing because Rhenner has woken up, he is never disappointed to see Rhenner again.

Or how about when I drop the boys off at a friend’s house and Axton asks, “Are you going to stay with us, Mom?”
“No, not today, Axton. Is that okay?”
“But Rhenner is coming with me, right?”

Or when Rhenner is crying and waking up Axton and we ask him if he wants to sleep in the other bedroom. “No, I want to sleep with Rhenner. I will be scared without him!”

All of these little moments more than make up for their screams and pinches and fighting at each other.

Because it is so important to me that they establish a strong bond now, one that I pray and hope continues throughout their lives, I am always conscious of the way I interact with them. I see jealousy in both of them during different times, and I try to be sensitive to it. I know Axton gets jealous when I use my Super Excited/ Almost Baby voice with Rhenner, but not with him (which is just something that happens because Rhenner is younger and I’m not used to using that voice on Axton as often often). I try to be in tune with their needs and love them equally yet individually. I am always looking for opportunities for Axton to teach Rhenner something. I love to tell Rhenner to “Follow Axton home!” instead of telling him to follow me home. I want to instill in Rhenner a trust for his brother, and I want to instill in Axton the fact that I trust him as the big brother. I realize that that is a delicate balance, but isn’t all of parenthood? I often tell Axton something similar to these statements, especially when they are having a hard time getting along:

“This is your brother. You must treat him nice. He is your best friend.” (It’s usually here that I start choking up, and have a hard time getting the words out). “You must always look out for him, and he will look out for you. You always have a friend in Rhenner. Even when you feel alone or that you don’t have any friends, you always have friends in your family. Always put your family first, before anyone or anything else.”

I think by vocalizing my hopes for them, and not just hoping it in my head, it gives words to their relationship, and words give power. It shows them that I have expectations for their relationship as brothers and as members of our family. I think talking out loud to our children about our dreams for them is not something that should be taken for granted. We cannot assume they know these things! We have to make sure they know how we feel, by telling them!

And I honestly think that that is my favorite, most cherished thing about being a mom of two boys: I feel like, by giving them both a sibling, I have, in essence, extended my motherly, maternal protection onto both of them. I realize I will not always be where they are. I will not always be able to protect them, guide them, advise them. I also know that, even if I were able to always do those things for them, they may not always want me to. But by giving Axton Rhenner, and giving Rhenner Axton, I have given them both just one more hand (a hand that I trust and love just as much as I love each of them) to reach out to in hard times. I have given them both just one more person to look out for them, one more person to have their back, one more person to turn to when all they need is a listening ear or the rest of the world has seemed to turn their back on them – and that gives me tremendous comfort.

I LOVE being a mom of brothers and I am so excited for my friend to experience the joy of having two boys. She worries, as we all do, about them not getting along as they get older, or not establishing a strong relationship. And I know many factors come into play when we talk about siblings being close or not, but I’m just enjoying where we are right now, and nurturing those bonds as best as I can now by providing opportunities for them to follow/listen to each other instead of me, vocalizing my desires for them to be each others’ best friends, and just letting them be little boys together! I would LOVE to have a house full of rowdy mama’s boys…and I honestly NEVER thought I would say that. But that’s what they do, those little boys – they sneak their way into your heart and give you a dream you never thought you wanted and now never would give up for anything!