Mama Rose Monday: On Being Away From My Kids

I’ve been putting off writing this post for as long as I could, because writing it requires me to think about it, and its just easier to be away from my kids when I don’t think about them. But we hit an interesting point in the trip, about three days ago, and everyone felt it. The point where we stop being superficial with one another, and start being real. The point where we all start to miss home, miss doing our own things at our own pace, but still have just a few more days to push through with each other. I personally reached the point where I felt it – I felt the need to be back home and in my children’s arms. I kinda felt a little hiccup in my thoughts, a hesitation to keep going – with the knowledge that I had no choice. …. but I’m also starting to feel like I can get real with the people I’m surrounded by and actually form deeper connections with them. I was talking to someone about this and she said this is an awkward length for a group travel trip – long enough that we all have to leap over the surface level of friendship, but also short enough that just as we begin to climb that hurdle is when we only have a few more days together.

I have a tendency to ask myself, when I’m trying to make a decision about something, if I will regret doing it or not doing it more. I know that had I not taken this adventure, not said yes to travel, I would have regretted it. I’m not sure I’ll ever do another group travel like this again, simply because I’ve learned how personal and almost sacred traveling is to me and I just prefer to experience that world of holiness with myself and my family, but I will never regret having done this. I will never regret giving myself this time to learn who I am away from my kids and husband, and around other creatives. I will never regret giving myself permission to not want the same thing other people want, and to instead want something different, something unique to only me and the Lord’s plans for me….I will never regret giving myself permission to just be me.

I walked home from town by myself the other night – its about a mile and a half along the water, and it was a bit windy and rainy out so I was shuffling quickly. As I was walking, I saw another couple strolling along so slowly. They were watching the sunset, and the girl was holding an umbrella in one hand and her phone in the other, leaving no free hand to press the button to take a picture. So her boyfriend reached over and did it for her. I watched and wished I had a camera to take a photo too, but mine was at the house and my phone was dead. In that moment, I was forced to be present. Forced to just enjoy the scene for what is was and not be anxious to take the next picture. In that moment, a quote I had read earlier in the day entered my mind and I was knocked over with its meaning and that moment and being away. I was spiritually knocked to my knees in acknowledgement and acceptance.

“Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would create new religions overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead, the stars come out every night and we watch television.”

Do I treasure what the Lord has created and given to me? Do I sit in awe and grace and complete adoration of the life I live and the stars that are in it? The stars that come out in the darkest part of the night to remind us we are not alone and the night is not the end, nor is the darkness meant to be anything but a break from day. I was humbled by not only what the stars mean and symbolize: hope and light in the dark of the night, a glitter and a reminder of being watched over at all times, but also the quotes implication to open my eyes – stop “watching TV”, stop caring about the superficial, the Instagram likes, the Facebook followers, the money in my bank account, and start lying under the stars.

Today, I miss my boys. Today, I am ready to go home. And tomorrow – I will do that. I will do that with a heart full of gratitude and new experiences and wonderful memories and realizations. But tonight? Tonight I will lie and watch the stars.