This was such an incredible journey for me to take – not just the physical journey of getting on planes and driving, but also the emotional and spiritual journey of coming together with 15 other once-strangers and experiencing the wonders of God’s creations together. I’ll be splitting the trip into a few different posts, and this first one is already massive! I was going to post it on Thursday but I kept remembering other images I had taken and wanted to include. I’m hoping to be open and honest about my feelings – being away from home and my kids, getting uncomfortable, and finding strength throughout the 10 days.

The first leg of the journey was a 4-hour bus ride from Rexburg, Idaho down to the Salt Lake City airport. I was so happy that Rhenner fell asleep in the car during the drive from Mom’s house to the bus pick-up, because I knew if he had seen me leave he would freak out. Axton was happy to watch and wait for the bus with me. Everytime I told him I was going to be gone for a long time on a trip, he would say, “I know. I’m so EXCITED!” This actually made me so happy to hear. I would rather have him be excited to stay with Grandma than be sad I was leaving him!

The last photo we took before driving to the bus stop:

I climbed on the bus and held it together for Axton, but as soon as I looked out my window as it began to pull away, I saw Axton waving and waving until we were out of sight and I lost it. Luckily, Adam called me shortly after and cheered me up. “He’s going to be fine, don’t worry about it,” he reassured me.

Saying goodbye to the Idaho and Utah mountains and snow:

 

My flight to LAX was quick and uneventful, and it was long before I had met up with a few of the other girls I would be traveling with (thank goodness for Stacee’s red hair! 😉 )
Since I was the last one to join in on the trip, I booked my tickets separately from everyone else, so I was sitting by myself on the 9 hour flight from LAX to Fiji. Which was really okay because, for the first time in my life, I actually slept on the flight! When we flew into Fiji, it was early morning and too dark to see anything. We were hoping to watch the sunrise through the window at the airport but there just so happened to be construction going on then and the entire front window was covered and we could only see a sliver of the coastline. Luckily we got to walk outside to our plane and I could snap a few photos then!

 

The next few photos are my first views of New Zealand from the air!

Caitlin and Tyler picked us up from the airport and we were soon headed to our New Zealand home for the next few days! It was about 30 minutes outside of Auckland, which made me so happy. Every time I travel somewhere I am always inclined to get out of the city and into the country. New Zealand is quite similar to Iceland in that the majority of its population is central to the capital, leaving lots of space for the rest of the population to be spread out throughout the entire country!

It was about this point that I started freaking out a bit. What am I doing here? I kept asking. The previous 36 hours had been spent sitting on an airplane, traveling farther and farther away from my kids. I remember at one point, while flying over the Pacific ocean for hours at a time, starting to get a bit anxiety about being in a plane. I started freaking out about the fact that if something happened to my family right then, I wouldn’t even know about it for 8 more hours, and after that, it would then take me another 12+ hours to get back to them. I can’t describe my feelings then very accurately, something along the lines of claustrophobia and extreme motherly worry! It was very strange. And then that first day in Auckland, as we all sat in a circle in the living room, everyone else carried on a conversation around me. Some were loud and funny, while I was quiet and sullen. I felt so out of place – I felt very much on the outside. I don’t do well in large groups; I’ll never be the one to speak the loudest or draw attention to myself, not unless I’m in my own “territory” or on my own terms, like when I’m supposed to be in charge at my own styled shoot or at a wedding. Socially, though, I do much better with groups of 5-6 or less. So being shoved into this room full of people who seemed so much more successful and talented and young and free than I was – I’m the only mom here – it was a little overwhelming. I don’t belong here. I had to leave. I got up and went for a long walk, going to the top of the highest hill I could find. I just wanted to see out. I wanted to see as much of this country as I possibly could right then – I wanted to know this was going to be beautiful. I wanted to be reassured this was going to be worth it. Worth leaving my kids and husband, worth my hard-earned money. Worth the time.

An immediate comfort came over me when I could see the ocean in the distance. I walked for a long time, taking photos of anything and everything, praying and just basking in the sunshine and vitamin D.

 

When I came back to the house, I sat outside on the front steps for a bit, still not ready to go back in. It was then that Natalie came out, and asked how I was doing. I knew then, that she knew I was struggling – and if she knew, then probably everyone else did, too. She told me then that I had to let go of the guilt I was feeling. I had to instead think about the stories I would come home with, the adventures I would be able to tell my boys about, and what I was teaching them about women, traveling, and following our dreams. Charlie – the neighbor’s cat – came out then, and we laughed at his haircut and I dried my tears. Then we walked back into the house together.

The next morning, I knew what I needed to do to get back on the right track. I woke up at 6am and snuck out of the house before everyone else was awake.
And then, I ran.

I ran and ran, following signs to Long Bay Beach. I didn’t know how long it would take or if the views would be worth it. All I knew was right then, I had control over where I was going and who I was with (no one). I had control over how long I stayed there and what I took pictures of (with my super fancy phone-camera). I think that was the other thing I was struggling with, the logistics of traveling with a group and feeling like I was not in control. Normally when I travel, I research my little heart out, and perfectly plot out every step of the way (like I did for Iceland). For this trip, I had simply said, “Sign me up!” and handed over my money. Only then did I think about what this actually meant. It was a very different way of traveling for me. This run is one of my top 5 moments on the trip. This run allowed me to let go of that need for constant control. It taught me how to breathe again, and reminded me that I did know how to just go with the flow. As I ran, I told myself if ever I felt the anxiety creep up again, I could always just go for another run and regain that feeling of control – I never had to run again on the trip.

 

 

After my run, I felt like a new person. I showered and got ready for the day’s adventure. I joined a few of the ladies on a quick trip into town for flowers for that night’s styled shoot. Being with a smaller group made me open up, and I was able to connect with these girls much easier than the previous night. Then we grabbed everyone else and headed out for Piha Beach.

This whole day was just so perfect. We had free time to just explore and enjoy the beach before our couple arrived for the styled shoot. Once again I yearned to find the highest point around and climb to the top, and this time Lauren joined me. We ran around barefoot, scraping our feet and brushing against shrubs up to our armpits, just to reach the top of the cliff. This was another one of my top five moments from the trip!

On our way back down, we ran into a few other girls and we had an impromptu mini shoot of everyone in the cove! I laughed at us photographers just doing our thing, posing and shooting and just having fun. I began to recognize the joy and beauty of traveling with like-minded creatives.

As the sun began its slow descent on Piha Beach, Billie and Sammy arrived and we split into three groups, rotating every 15 minutes to get different angles of light and to shoot in different locations with the couple. Once again, I found how thrilling it was to be surrounded by these photographers (and one event planner!) who, while viewing posing and shooting all just a bit differently, were incredibly inspiring and drove me to dig deeper in my creativity and interactions with the couple. You can see my session with the couple here. 

The next day was a free day, so of course it was one of my favorite days. A group of us hopped on a ferry and rode to another island, Waiheke. Once there, we split the cost of renting a car and spent the day circling the entire island, visiting wineries along the way.

 

 

That night a friend of mine that I had met at BYU-Hawaii picked me up in Auckland and brought me back to her home. I got to meet her four beautiful brown babies, and just sit and talk real with her. It was crazy stepping into her life for such a short amount of time, on the other side of the world, when the last time I had seen her was when we were both still in college. At that time I was newly married and she only had one baby! I loved hearing her heart, feeling at home in her home and in her presence, and feeling as if we were life-long friends, even though we usually only communicate via comments on each other’s blogs and Facebook! We talked about the gospel, and it brought me great comfort. I just love you Danielle!

Our last day on the north island was spent at Coromandel Bay. It’s a bit of a hike down to the beach, and on the way down me and two other girls took a side trip to the edge of the cliff. We each took a turn standing on a rock jutting out over the ocean. I was completely terrified but tried to keep my cool 🙂

The last stop of the day was Hot Water Beach… one of the strangest public gatherings I’ve ever witnessed. Here’s what you do: grab a shovel, dig a hole, and feel the hot water rising up through the sand – it was like group bathing! Gross, strange, and yet, oddly cool all at the same time. We all burnt the bottom of our feet because we didn’t believe it would be that hot! It was actually bubbling in some spots!

 

In the morning we were headed to Queenstown!!!